I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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