I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
