I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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