I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
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