My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
