i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
