Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
