I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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