K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
