Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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