I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
pop tarts are not kleenex
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
