you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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