I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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