I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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