my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Randomize
