a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
