Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
