this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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