She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
God, I missed his penis.
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