I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
