omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
