He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize