I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
