got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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