$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
