You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
