Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You took a bar mat shot.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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