VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
