i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
