Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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