shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My penis needs a shock collar
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
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