his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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