My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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