3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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