I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize