I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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