I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
It's Friday. Sex?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
