her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize