It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
