I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
