Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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