I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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