I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
