my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
