I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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