Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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