My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize