You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
