Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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