So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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