dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
