Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
