Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
