I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
