oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
