I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
