whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
