I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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